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The Longer Way And More Abouter A Bit


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"Are you insane? You can't have recovered from your last arduous adventure," they said as I waddled to the garage door clutching my helmet with the dead cool dark visor.

Real adventurers don't need recovery time, they need adrenaline fixes and to collect packages from nearby drop-off points because UPS are too damn lazy to bother calling at people's homes anymore.

Now the last adventure was straight forward, it just needed a little Tiger. This called for something special, a bike designed for hardcore adventuring. This called for the scooter.

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But what's that I can see? As I wheeled it into daylight (for the first time since we last had sun and the ability to go outside without some twat phoning the police to dob us in for breaching lockdown), I could virtually hear all of those microbes fucking as dead flies has evolved into throbbing masses of pulsating, heaving fungi. Dirty bastards, I'll be taking care of them with some soap and water in about nine months time - or maybe next year at some point. That'll show them.

The first stop for today's rip-roaring adventure was JMD Food & Wine. Situated in a village of barely 500 people, they luxuriate in three newsagents, two offies and a couple of fish and chip shops. The Best Plaice is only the best place if you want to contract a food-borne illness. I can only assume that the residents of the nearby traveller park enjoy buying porn, booze and stuffing their faces with grease. Reckoning I'd only be inside JMD for a short while, I made do with just five chains and three U-locks to deter would-be thieves.

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Pretty damn good adventure thus far, eh? But wait! There's more.

We're blessed with a fair few green lanes in these parts and what adventure wouldn't be complete without some macho mud plugging?

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Now some cynical fuckers might suggest that I didn't ride the mile and a half down this track. Some ignorant types might say, "Hey Dave you fat shit, you just rode 11 miles to pull up at the other end of the green lane in order to make yourself look cool and shit."

If you hear anyone say that then they are liars.

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You can clearly see my tyres are dirty so therefore I must have adventured off road. Up yours, liars.

It was time for more adventure. Time to go see the land where Cromwell marched his armies off to Naseby in 1645. This is Civil War country. These fields saw troops drag themselves through shit and water to go get stabbed and die from blood poisoning because fuck you monarchy.

Well, maybe the only soldiers who would've been here would've been the idiots who got lost a bit - but in my experience that sums up your average squaddie cannon fodder bloke. Or maybe they nipped off behind that hedge to copulate like farm animals with the floozies they dragged off to battle camps?

I spent more than a few minutes resting here imagining the 17th Century sex.

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Oddly, despite the cool wind, I was now feeling a bit hot under the collar.

I think adventuring hard gets me hard.

Time to ride.

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I could hear the microorganisms on the screen groaning and they were writhing about.

Next history stop on my adventure packed adventure, and even closer to Naseby now. This is where the soldiers would have alighted from the Northampton-Harborough train if they come that way instead of by foot or horse. And if they'd done it a few centuries later when there were trains. Before the fuckers got rid of our trains and left us with no means of public transport unless we had a horse and cart or a cool as fuck scooter.

I don't think Oliver Cromwell rode a Vespa, I'll need to check.

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Those people in the distance aren't military, I asked them if they were fighting to overthrow the monarchy and they told me to fuck off. There again, language like that they could've been in the Army I guess, it's so difficult to know what to believe anymore.

I thought about going to photo Naseby battlefield but it's basically just a field and that didn't seem to fit in with my super adventure I was having. I went to another military place instead.

This (below) is part of the fuel network set up in WWII. The dump was accessible by train, they'd had the foresight to have a war when we had trains unlike that fucknut Cromwell. It fed into PLUTO (pipeline under the sea) to keep Private Ryan saving fuel coupons in Normandy.

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It says "Keep Out" but people don't. The fence only covers 3/4 of the perimeter - yet another example of the piss-poor planning our military does. There's no guards either. Nobody. If the Nazis decided to attack it tomorrow there'd be nothing to stop them occupying an abandoned fuel dump full of asbestos. It beggars belief how pathetic some so-called decision makers are.

The adventure had been gripping but it was time to head to home as I had 2 dogs needing walking.

On the way, I rode past RAF Harrington, home to the United States Army Air Forces Eighth Air Force's 801st Bombardment Group. These chaps were legends. They came over here, drank beer in the pub, got a bunch of women pregnant with hot sex, and then flew unescorted planes with no weapons over occupied France. Almost as nails as me, I reckon.

All that's left is this one bunker and a couple of crumbling Thor missile silos from the Cold War.

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And that was that, another adventure to shame Ewan and Charlie. Up your game, celebrities, I say.

Till next time, adventure fans. Adventure Dave Adventure (adventure is my middle name) signing off.

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Oh. In case I’ve accidentally broken a lockdown law with this adventure and one of you are thinking of dobbing me in to the fuzz (like they would on another forum I could mention but won’t), my name is Peter Jones and I live in Spain with a donkey or something. 

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10 minutes ago, Mawsley said:

you are thinking of dobbing me in to the fuzz (like they would on another forum I could mention but won’t),

You'd get an incomprehensible warning PM from Gender at the very least Dave! What you reckon @Clive?

Great report......you truly are the poor man's Dan Walsh!

They'd love on you on Buttrider you know........an English eccentric on a Battle Scooter!

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32 minutes ago, Clive said:

I got "Are you insane" & "Signing off".....the bit in-between was like a incoherent PM to self🤔.......one from someone else would be a waste of time!.😂

The people who don't understand @Mawsley's literary excesses are generally the same people who don't understand Stewart Lee's humour.

 

 

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12 minutes ago, boboneleg said:

Absolutely brilliant Dave a cool Vespa and byways , what more could you ask for

When I rode a Vespa in 1971 people just called me a sad twat!

Now it's cool!

sad jimmy fallon GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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5 minutes ago, XTreme said:

When I rode a Vespa in 1971 people just called me a sad twat!

Now it's cool!

sad jimmy fallon GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

That's because you hung around with greebos  :classic_tongue:

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14 minutes ago, Clive said:

Never heard of him🤔........no subtitles, so don't know what he on about.😕

If you ever spoke to me on the phone you'd hear every word. I'm quite loud people tell me!

You may not understand them because of my accent......but you'll hear sounds quite clearly!

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3 minutes ago, Clive said:

Welsh, with a Spanish lilt.

No Spanish lilt whatsoever.

But there is a Welsh lilt in Spanish.

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What kind of people do you have on this forum? Do any of them understand what adventure is? Have none of them read 5 Go Ram Raiding or The Secret 7 & The Curse Of The Ingrowing Toenail? Tintin Does Mescaline? Any adventure books at all? Pearls before swine.

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On 24/02/2021 at 19:37, Mawsley said:

What kind of people do you have on this forum?

I'll admit they're not the cream of the crop Dave......but we're living in uncertain times! I gotta take what I can get! 

But at least we're not overrun with fucking thick, braindead twats! 

the walking dead nyc GIF by ADWEEK

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53 minutes ago, Mawsley said:

What kind of people do you have on this forum? Do any of them understand what adventure is? Have none of them read 5 Go Ram Raiding or The Secret 7 & The Curse Of The Ingrowing Toenail? Tintin Does Mescaline? Any adventure books at all? Pearls before swine.

nah they have never lived  😂

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1 hour ago, Grasshopper's Ride said:

Great ride report, super epic if you ask me. :littleguy:

Some great photos! 🙂

Vote for me for adventure report of the week.

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34 minutes ago, Mawsley said:

Vote for me for adventure report of the week.

You got to put this one in BOTM Dave!

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Now I'm going to have to search the ouebe for further ( previous)  adventures to read, I was giggling so hard at that one that I had to translate for Madame...

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11 minutes ago, MooN said:

Now I'm going to have to search the ouebe for further ( previous)  adventures to read, I was giggling so hard at that one that I had to translate for Madame...

@Mawsley didn't do any ride reports on another forum as I recall.......they just didn't get his sense of humour.

Come to think of it I don't think they got anybody's sense of humour really.

But they got dosh off @Clive........and then ignored him! :classic_laugh:

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44 minutes ago, Clive said:

 I am use to it.😂

I'll do you a deal Clive!

Bung me half of what you bunged them......and I'll ignore you! Think of the money you're saving! 

Any other members up to ignoring Clive while trousering a few quid in the process?

Oh Yeah Sport GIF by Twitter

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18 hours ago, XTreme said:

@Mawsley didn't do any ride reports on another forum as I recall.......they just didn't get his sense of humour.

Come to think of it I don't think they got anybody's sense of humour really.

But they got dosh off @Clive........and then ignored him! :classic_laugh:

I don't have a sense of humour - I have a sense of adventure, which should be all-too evident from my deadly serious ride reports. But, as with all things, different people take different things from the written word. 

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